Certain Jokes / Recent Jokes

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain
improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of
stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse. A
variety of foot apparel, e. g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and
around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/
St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime
thereafter.
The minor residents, i. e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located
in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i. e.
dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to,
candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said
dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "I"), being the more...

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "Im Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,"Im Janey Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Arent you Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter?" With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied, "I thought I was, but Mommy says Im not."

I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us such as: There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
Instead of milk and cookies, more...

A new contract for Santa has been negotiated... Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now only serve certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.
However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement that happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. They are as follows:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "This sleigh insured more...

Dear ya'll
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve your area on Christmas Eve. Because of recent changes in my union
contract renegotiated by North American Elves Local 209, I now serve only
eastern Canada, certain areas of Wisconsin and the Michigan Upper Peninsula.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my
replacement, my third cousin by my first wife, from the South Pole, Bubba
Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls,
but there are a few differences between us, such as:
* There is no danger of a Grinch's stealing presents from Bubba Claus, who has
a gun rack in his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
* Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC
and pork skins on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does
dip more...

Dear ya'll:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve your area on Christmas Eve. Because of recent changes in my union contract renegotiated by North American Elves Local 209, I now serve only eastern Canada, certain areas of Wisconsin and the Michigan Upper Peninsula.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my replacement, my third cousin by my first wife, from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few differences between us, such as:
There is no danger of a Grinch's stealing presents from Bubba Claus, who has a gun rack in his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC and pork skins on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff, though, so please have a spit can more...

Retiring from a big corporate job in LA, Marvin moves to Tel Aviv. (So nu, you were thinking maybe he'd move to a kibbutz?)
Wanting to contribute to nation-building somehow he focuses on stock-trading, the only vocation he knows. But, to commute to his new humble penthouse office, he refuses to drive a Mercedes like everyone else so he buys himself... a camel.
Every night Marvin parks his camel in the garage under his Tel Aviv Condo and the next morning he mounts the camel for the commute to his new office in Ramat Gan.
One day Marvin comes down to the parking garage and the camel is gone... stolen!
He calls the police who arrive within minutes. The first question is "What color was your camel?"
Marvin replies he doesn't remember, "Probably camel colored I guess... sort of brownish-greyish."
"And how many humps on your camel?' asks the policeman.
"Who counts humps... one, maybe two, I don't know for sure."
"And more...