Chair Jokes / Recent Jokes

What might've happened: Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the more...

A business man was in a great deal of trouble. He had put everything he had into his business and it was failing miserably. He owed everyone. It was so bad that he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to see a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "This is what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the chair and place the Bible on your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the very first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman returned to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was dressed in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a gorgeous mink coat, the children shining. The businessman more...

This professor of psychology at Harvard built a truth-telling chair. Every time someone sitting it lied, the bottom of the chair - essentially a trapdoor mechanism - collapsed sending the seated person flying to the ground. He knew it worked - he'd tried it. But he had to do some research before any one would believe him.
So he advertised in the USA Today for volunteers to come along and they'd get a fiver for their troubles, every hour. He received loads of replies and as such was able to take from any selection he liked. As a control for the experiment he decided to pick basketball fans, and invited three along for the first day of trials.
Anyway, the first day came and a Denver Nuggets fan arrived, he sat in the chair and began to speak. "I think the Nuggets are definitely a force to be reckoned with in the West..." and instantly the chair collapsed, sending him sprawling to the floor before he could carry on.
Next, an Orlando Magic fan arrived, he sat in more...

THREE persons - an American, an Englishman and a Sardarji were convicted in USA for murder; but they were given a choice - to die by hanging, or electric chair or an AIDS injection.

The Englishman opted for the first, and he was hanged.

The American said he did not want to die like the Englishman with his tongue sticking out and fighting for life for one or two hours. He opted for the electric chair, and he died.

The Sardarji opted for the AIDS injection, so his trousers were pulled down, and he was given a big dose of AIDS injection in his bottom.

Soon after, the Sardarji was found jumping about, singing and laughing. On being asked what he was so happy about, the Sardarji replied,' You people thought you were very clever giving me that injection but you did not realise that I was wearing a condom at the time!'

1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.
11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
12.) Your dog has its own home page.
13.) You more...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a
woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with
tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same more...

Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1998 Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully).
The 1998 nominees are:
NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily more...