Chair Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day a family took their elderly, frail father to a nursing home, with the hopes that he would be well cared for.
The next day, the nurses fed and bathed him and sat him in a chair by the window, overlooking the beautiful flower garden. Everything seemed fine until a short time later when he began to fall over sideways in the chair.
Seeing this, two nurses immediately rushed over to him and straightened him up in the chair. Shortly thereafter, he began to tilt to the other side. Once more, the nurses rushed over and straightened him up. This routine went on for the entire morning.
Later in the day, his family arrived to see how he was adjusting to his new environment. "So Dad, how are things going here? Are they treating you well?" they asked him.
"It is pretty nice," he replied, "but they won't let you fart!"

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the more...

One day after school Jonathan went to the pet shop and told the owner he wanted to buy a watchdog for his mother's birthday.

"How about this one?" said the salesman, pointing to a cage with a scrawny little poodle in it.

"Are you kidding?" said Jonathan. "That dog looks harmless."

"Yes, but he knows karate," said the salesman. "Watch." The salesman pointed to a huge cinder block and shouted "karate the block!"

Immediately, the poodle struck out its paw and with one blow smashed the block into two pieces.

Next, the salesman pointed to a metal chair, then commanded, "Karate the chair!"

Once again, the little poodle crushed the chair with a single blow.

That night Jonathan brought home the poodle and showed it to his father.

"What kind of watchdog is that to give your mother?" said Jonathan's father. "What good is more...

It's a sunny morning in a big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch and screams, "For gosh sakes, how many times do we have to go through this crap? I haven't made the porridge yet!"

There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater. They attempted to rob a bank but got caught. They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair. The guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go. The Longhorn went first. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He told them no. He pressed the button and nothing happened so he was free to go. The bug eater went next. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He said no and pressed the button. Nothing happened and he was free to go. The Aggie went next. They asked him if he had any last words. "I think if you plug the chair in it will work better."

Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby sitter when 6 year old Kyle said, " You can't sit in Daddy's seat!"
" Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied.
" Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss."
Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, " If you're the boss, you sit over there in Mommy's chair!"

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge," he squeaks?
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!," he roars?
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells - "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"
"It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first." "It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up." "It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee." "It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away." "It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper." "It was 'Momma Bear' who set the more...