Chair Jokes / Recent Jokes

Hold mouse up to ear like a cell phone and yell "I can't hear you!!! You're going to have to speak louder!"Play Pac Man and state to person next to you, "These new games are incredible!"Practice 'spinning mouse mat on index finger' globe trotter routine.Put your monitor's contrast and brightness on full. With wide open eyes yell "It's going to implode!"Tell the cashier you wish to redeem your free 1000 hours and hand him a bag full of collected AOL promo CD's.Typing hard and loudly looking behind you yell, "STOP MAKING ME TYPE THIS - IT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE!"Sit at the web terminal... without a chair.Wheel your leather executive chair into Internet cafe and up to the computer with the largest monitor. Sit down, turn to the person next to you handing them a stack of papers, "Get these photocopied right away, the president wants them by end of day."
Casually look around the room for people in chat rooms, log into the same chat more...

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said:' Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'
The Fairy Godmother replied:' Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish.' I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

Cinderella said' Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied' It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' more...

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

“What do they do here? ”

He was told, ” First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day. ”

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.


He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here? ”

He was told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the Indian devil comes in and beats more...

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

There were once two incorrigible brothers, aged approximately 6 and 8 years old. One day, their Mama threw up her hands and gave up on them. She just didn't know WHAT to do with the boys anymore to get them to behave. So the minister of the church across the street said "Let me talk to them. Send them over one at a time, and I'll see what I can do."
So she sent the eldest boy across the street to see the minister. He was a huge man, with a stern, craggy old face and a booming voice. "Sit down, son," he said, gesturing to a chair. The boy sat down. And for the next five minutes, the minister just GLARED at the child. Not a word was spoken. Just looking at the minister was terrifying! His eyes burned holes through the young boy.
And all of a sudden, the minister pointed a finger at the child and asked, "Where.....is GOD?" The child got wide-eyed, and gripped the arms of the chair. His whole body began to tremble. And the minister's voice boomed more...

Two six-year-odl boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time-outs, notes home, missed recesses, but could do nothing with them.
Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The piest asked, "Son, do you know where God is?"
The little boy just sat there.
the priest stood up and asked, "Don, do you know where God is?"
The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"
The little boy bolted out of the chair, rushed past his friend in the waiting room, and ran all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head.
His friend followed him home. He came into the bedroom and asked, "What happened in there?"
The boy replied, "God is missing, and they think we did more...

CIA Affirmative Action
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, Training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained.
"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Take this gun and kill her.
"The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own more...