Chairs Jokes / Recent Jokes

(Please don't try this at home)

August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay

Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth,' 'I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward's and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket.''

However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics more...

Take the prospective employee and put him in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave him alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what he is doing.

If he has taken the table apart, put him in Engineering.

If he is counting the butts in the ashtray, assign him to Finance.

If he is waving his arms and talking out loud, send him to Consulting.

If he is talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for him.

If he is sleeping, he is Management material.

If he is writing up the experience, send him to the Technical Documentation team.

If he doesn't even look up when you enter the room, assign him to Security.

If he tries to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, put him into Marketing.

If he is wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Software is his niche.

If he mentions what a good price we got for the table and chairs, more...

Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."
Being hard of hearing, the usher leaned closer and said, "Pardon me?"
"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," the minister repeated. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.
Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly. "Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation.
"All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"

Subject: Prospective Employee Assessment

To: All Managers

The Following Guidelines Shall Be Used When Hiring New Personnel.

Take The Prospective Employees You Are Trying To Place And Put Them In A Room With Only A Table And Two Chairs. Leave Them Alone For Two Hours, Without Any Instruction. At The End Of That Time, Go Back And See What They Are Doing.
If They Have Taken The Table Apart In That Time, Put Them In Engineering.
If They Are Counting The Butts In The Ashtray, Assign Them To Finance.
If They Are Screaming And Waving Their Arms, Send Them Off To Manufacturing.
If They Are Talking To The Chairs, Personnel Is A Good Spot For Them.
If They Are Sleeping, They Are Management Material.
If They Are Writing Up The Experience, Send Them To Technical Publications.
If They Don't Even Look Up When You Enter The Room, Assign Them To Security.
If They Try To Tell You It's Not As Bad As It Looks, Send Them To more...

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?"
asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on."
On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are more...

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,
Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are more...