Chance Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two old friends met by chance on the street. After chatting for some time one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me".
The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"
IT'S A WONDERFUL MACHINE
The Sweetest Christmas Movie Frank Capra Never Made
-- by David Pogue
I guess I shouldn't have gone to a party where the eggnog was spiked, and maybe I shouldn't have watched the movie It's a Wonderful Life while leafing through MacWeek. But anyway, I had the weirdest dream last night -- like a bizarre black-and-white movie that went like this: Jimmy Stewart stars as Steve' Jobs' Bailey, who runs a beleaguered but beloved small-town computer company. For years, big monopolist Bill' Gates' Potter has been wielding his power and money to gain control of the town. And for years, Steve has fought for survival:' This town needs my measly, one-horse computer, if only to have something for people to use instead of Windows!'
But now an angry mob is banging on Apple's front door, panicking.' The press says your company is doomed!' yells one man.' You killed the clones! We're going to Windows!' calls another.' We want out of our more...
ONE DAY BLONDES FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD GATHERD IN BIG STADIUM TO HAVE A MEETING TO PROVE THAT THERE NOT STUPID.
ONE CHICK GOT UP AND SAID "WE HAVE TO PROVE THAT WE ARE NOT STUPID AS THEY SAY, I LL ASK ONE OF U A QUESTION AND I'M SURE YOU'LL GIVE ME THE RIGHT ANSWER FIRST TIME "
"WHATS THE ANSWER FOR 2+2"
ONE GOT UP AND SAID 6 EVERYONE ELSE SHOUTED "GIVE HER A ANOTHER CHANCE " SO THEY DID
SHE GOES AGAIN! 5 EVERYONE SHOUTS "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE, THIRD TIME SHE GOES 4, AND THE OTHER BLONDES GOES " GIVE HER A ANOTHER CHANCE!
There was a gay man who had recently died and was going to heaven. He climbs up the stairs to heaven and meets a man who happens to be the keeper of heaven and hell. They begin walking to the gates so the gay man can be let in, all of a sudden the keeper drops his keys, and being gay the man jumps on top of him and begins to hump the keeper.
The keeper says, " what in the world are you doing, get off of me! I should send you to hell right now, but seeing as we are in heaven I should give you another chance". The gay man agrees.
Once again the keeper drops his keys and being gay the man jumps on him again the keeper says, " Oh my word get off of me right no I would be inclined to send you to hell but we are so close to the gates that I'ill give you one more chance, but that is it"! Once again the man agrees.
Sadly the keeper drops his keys one last time, the gay man jumps on top of him and is sent to hell. Well, being the keeper he is obligated to check more...
It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."
Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"
Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a "One Question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.
The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"
There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football more...
WHY ?...
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite more...
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said more...