Chap Jokes / Recent Jokes

A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing suicide?"
The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf."
The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all."
The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. The swines never bring' em back!"

A Chap walks up to another chap and says:
Chap - You're Merlin aren't you?
Merlin - Why yes. . it's nice to be recognised!
Chap - Bit of a Wizard. . I hear?
Merlin - Well Yes. . I've been told I'm skilled
Chap - Do tricks and things. . don't ya.. Magical stuff?
Merlin - Magical. .. yes that's correct
Chap - Turn Kings into Frogs. . and that sort of thing. . Is that right
Merlin - Well Yes. . I suppose I could Turn a King into a Frog!
Chap - Ever Mucked up. . Ya know, made a mistake?
Merlin - Well Yes. .. hasn't everyone?
Chap - Can you reverse a curse?
Merlin - Yes I can. .. with knowledge of who applied the Curse and the actual words of enchantment, I could do it. ... Why?
Chap - I'm Cursed
Merlin - Really. .. and how long have you been bewitched?
Chap - Years.....
Merlin - Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse?
Chap - Yeah. . can't forget them!
Merlin - What were more...

Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see... I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another... it was neither of us."

An old age goes into a cafe and asks the waiter if they have any baked beans. "Yes, of course," replies the waiter. "I'll have two tins on toast, then," says the pensioner. The waiter brings the meal over and the old chap happily munches away, downs a cup of tea then trots out into the street. Less than a minute later, a policeman rushes into the cafe. "You know that elderly chap who was in here just a second ago?" he says. "I'm afraid he's collapsed outside on the pavement and died." "I can't believe it," says the waiter. "He was full of beans when he left."

A chap is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the
island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you
had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he answers.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out
a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that
good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle
of malt whisky and gives it to him.
He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet
suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some more...

As he was quietly watching television at home, the chap heard a sound on the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering units was on the way and to remain calm.
A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a chiwawa dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan:
"First I'll climb up there with the ladder. Then I'll approach the gorilla and more...