Check Jokes / Recent Jokes
An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney? office as his lawyer handed him his will. “Your estate is very complex, ” said the lawyer, “but I? e made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500. ”
Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said “$500, ” the old man wrote out his check and left.
When she got off the phone and realized the old man? mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. “Oh well, ” she said to herself, “$500 for half an hour? work isn? bad. ”
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things that people actually said in court, word for word. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500. Q: Sir, what is more...
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high... you might want to use this mans logic.
A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man more...
The Differences:
HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
12A Hit "cancel"
12B Call husband to get correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check more...
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
Whats that? he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said
Oh Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.
Horrified she said Tarzan you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.
She took off her clothes laid down on the ground and spread her legs.
Here she said pointing You must put it in here.
Tarzan removed his loincloth stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp
What the hell did you do that for?
Tarzan check for squirrels.
An eight year old girl is trying to check out a book entitled
"Advice for Young Mothers" from the local library.
Librarian: Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?
Little girl: I collect moths.
BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18.
How many gallons would you like?
Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.
Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.
BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE
Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.
Customer: Depends on what?
Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.
Customer: How about giving me an average price?
Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint more...