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INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden more...

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn’t quite remember the address to the house. ”I’m sure this is the one, ” said the driver. ”Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD. ” Replied one of the others, ”I’ll go knock on the door, and check. If it’s the wrong house, at least I’ll get to a toilet! ”
So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once…. No answer. He rings it again….. Still no answer. So, he thinks, ”This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard. ” So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he’d just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can’t find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened more...

"This should be taken care of right away."
('d planned a trip to Kenya next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.)

"We'll see."
(First I have to check my malpractice insurance.)

"Let me check your medical history."
(I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
(I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.)

"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
(I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.)

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
(I haven't the faintest idea of what to do, but I'm trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.)

"We have some good news and some bad news."
(The good news is that I'm going to buy that new BMW, and the bad more...

"Hope you don't mind, I just took a leak in your tank"
"You do know there's a guy hiding in your back seat, don't you?"
"Sometimes I have the strangest feeling I'm about to burst into flames"
"Regular, premium, or ranch flavor?"
"You know, if a guy breathes enough fumes, someone like you starts to look pretty good"
"The soda machine was on the fritz today - I had to drink a quart of Quaker State with my lunch"
"Does this uniform make me look pretty?"
"This is my car! You stole my car!"
"I'll check under your hood if you check under my belt"
"Want to make out in the back seat?"
©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check." In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

My uncle was travelling on business, in New Mexico. He needed to cash a check, and went to the bank (strangely enough).
He gave his check to the bank teller, and she looked at it and said "O-co-no-co-mo-co-woc" (actually 'Oconomowoc')
"Gee, that's a funny name for a city!"
My uncle's response was "And Albuquerque isn't?"
Well, *I* thought it was funny.

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney? s office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I? ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.When she got off the phone and realized the old man? s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour? s work isn? t bad."