Chemical Jokes / Recent Jokes

Editor's Note: This is kind of long, and actually considering it's an awful lot like many conversations I've had, not as funny as it might be. But, heck, enjoy it anyhow...

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PeaceNik: Why did you say we are we invading Iraq?

WarMonger: We are invading Iraq because it is in violation of security council resolution 1441. A country cannot be allowed to violate security council resolutions.

PN: But I thought many of our allies, including Israel, were in violation of more security council resolutions than Iraq.

WM: It's not just about UN resolutions. The main point is that Iraq could have weapons of mass destruction, and the first sign of a smoking gun could well be a mushroom cloud over NY.

PN: Mushroom cloud? But I thought the weapons inspectors said Iraq had no nuclear weapons.

WM: Yes, but biological and chemical weapons are the issue.

PN: But I thought Iraq did not have any long more...

An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: “Anyone knows the formula for water? ”
“Sure. That’s easy, ” said one man.
“What is it? ”
“H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O. ”
“What, what? ” reasked the instructor.
“H to O, ” explained the chemistry expert.

Chemical Analysis of' Woman'
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53. 6Kg but may vary from 49Kg to 200Kg
Occurence: Copious quanitities in all urban areas
Physical Properties:
- Surface usually covered with painted film
- Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
- Melts if given special treatment
- Bitter if incorrectly used
- Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore
- Yields to pressure applied to correct points
Chemical Properties:
- Has great affinity for gold, silver
- Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
- may explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
- Activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol
- Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
Common Uses:
- Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
- Can be a great aid in relaxation
- Very effective cleaning more...

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!

NEW ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE Element: WOMAN Symbol: Wo Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less) Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Element: MAN Symbol: XY Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to! @#$&*! Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct more...

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.
The car broke down.
The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke."
The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas."
The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"
The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."

Element
Woman
Symbol
Wo
Discoverer
Adam
Quantitative Analysis
Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have
been identified.
Occurance
Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet
state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
Physical Properties
Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at
a moments notice totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter
if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common
ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape
the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well
that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye.
Chemical Properties
Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially in crystalline form. May give
violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb more...