Chess Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They are too "Short".

One Day Santa And Banta Were Playing Chess.




Far Relative^
A Funeral Procession Was Going On. There Were Many People There. One Of Them Was Santa. He Was Carrying A Binocular With Him.
Banta: Why Are You Carrying It With You?
Santa: Because The Man Who Died Was A Far Relative Of Mine.

Let's just say that in the movie version of your life, you'd be played by Pauly Shore.
Your idea of "conquering Deep Blue" involves employing your gastro-intestinal system to attack the Tidy Bowl man.
The computer: A highly sophisticated electronic brain from IBM. You: A highly intoxicated electrician from NJ.
Before moving your queen, you insist on consulting Eddie Murphy.
Computer: lauded by scientists for its ability to calculate millions of chess moves per minute. You: lauded by fraternity buddies for your ability to pass gas and burp simultaneously.
You can't make a single move without thinking of huge juicy shrimp.
In your circle, "castling" means holing-up in your trailer with an AK-47 and a bottle of bourbon.
Your "garlic breath" strategy fails to intimidate this particular opponent.
Your populist leanings always result in you inciting your pawns to wipe out their own king and queen.
Kasparov's idol: Bobby more...

Mr Banta Singh Is Traveling From Moscow To Bhatinda. Seated Besides Him Is Gary Kasparov. Gary Asks Him Whether He Would Like To Play Chess To Kill Time.

Banta: ' Oye Gar(R)Y. You Think I Don't Know Who You Are? . I Can't Compete With A World Champion'

Gary: ' How About If I Play Left Handed? '

Banta: [Think... Think..]' Ok! '

Banta Is Demolished In 4 Moves... And Is Very Upset Through-Out The Rest Of The Journey. On Landing He Meets His Friend Santa Singh.

Banta: Hey! You Know What! I Played Chess With Gary Kasparov And He Defeated Me Inspite Of Him Playing Left-Handed.....

Santa: Oye Ullu-De Pathey! ! He Sure Did Fool You! ! You Know What! ! Gary Is Left-Handed! !

Q: What do elves learn in school? A: The Elf-abet! Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas? A: "I don't like sprouts"! Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missletoe! Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem. Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho. Q: Where do polar bears vote? A: The North Poll. Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? A: Ribbon hood. Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter? A: Because it's to far to walk. Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? A: Forty feet of track - all straight! Q: What kind of bird can write? A: A PENguin. Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct? A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree. Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? A: Sandy Claus! more...

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts"!
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Because it's to far to walk.
Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track - all straight!
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas more...

A man visited a headmaster who was playing chess with his dog. "Your dog must be must be very intelligent," said the man.
"Not really," said the headmaster. "I've won three games out of four."