Childbirth Jokes / Recent Jokes

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?""Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us.""Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?""Oh, the stork brought us too.""Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted."Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasnt been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

The Answer Man(Woman) Tackles Pregnancy:
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers
rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
anything at all.
Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got
pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and
genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as
well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q: more...

The teacher gave her class an assignment to do on childbirth.
When Peter got home from school that day, he asked his mother, "Mom, how was I born?"
His mother, being very reserved about these matters, replied, "Well, the stork brought you to us."
"Well then, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"The stork brought us too, dear," his shy mother replied.
"Then how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"The stork brought them too, son," she again replied.
When Peter handed his report in to his teacher a few days later, she was very confused when she read his opening sentence:
"This has been a very difficult report to write since there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?

A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery
room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?

A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning
crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby more...

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: more...

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.Q: Our more...

Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
Stop your swearing and just breathe.
Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.