Chimney Jokes / Recent Jokes

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau).
At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical).
This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into more...

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ? It's Christmas, Eve! How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ? Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve! What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ? The letter "D"! What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ? Santa Claustrophobia! What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ? Black mail! Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ? Santa Paws! Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ? Because it soots him! Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents? Elephanta Claus! How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ? Stacks! Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ? Because he's Sooty !

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300, 000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of3. 5 children per household, that's91. 8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to822. 6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down more...

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain
improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of
stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse. A
variety of foot apparel, e. g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and
around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/
St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime
thereafter.
The minor residents, i. e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located
in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i. e.
dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to,
candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said
dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "I"), being the more...

Q. Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas rather than through the door?
A. Because it soot`s him!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It`s Christmas, Eve! How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve! What do you have in December that you don`t have in any other month?
The letter "D"! What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia! What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Black mail! Who delivers cat`s Christmas presents?
Santa Paws! Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
Because it soots him! Who delievers elephants`s Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus! How many chimneys does Father Christmas go down?
Stacks! Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve?
Because he`s Sooty!

"Rabbi," the man said, "Please explain the Talmud to me."
"Very well," he said. "First, I will ask you a question. If two men climb
up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean,
which one washes himself?"
"The dirty one," answers the man.
"No. They look at each other and the dirty man thinks he is clean
and the clean man thinks he is dirty, therefore, the clean man washes
himself. Now, another question. If two men climb up a chimney and one
comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
The man smiles and says, "You just told me, Rabbi. The man who is clean
washes himself because he thinks he is dirty."
"No," says the Rabbi. "If they each look at themselves, the clean man knows
he doesn't have to wash himself, so the dirty man washes himself.
Now, one more question. If two men climb up a chimney and one more...