Chimney Jokes / Recent Jokes
Twas the night before ChristmasAnd all through the houseThere were empties and buttsLeft around by some louse.And the best quart I'd hidBy the chimney with careHad been swiped by some creepWho'd discovered it there! Our hung-over guestsHad been poured into bed(They'll wake in the mornWith a God-awful head)My tongue, cotton-coated, Hung down to my beltAnd only the seasickCould know how I felt! My wife - she had long agoGone up to bedWhile visions of RedskinsDanced in her head.And I in the parlorSat all alone, I'd unplugged the catAnd put out the phone.Just then, through a windowCame noise and smellsLike an overturned beer truckAnd tinkle of bells! I sprang from my chairTo see what was the matterTo see what was causingThe smell and the clatter.When what to my wonderingEyes did appearBut eight drunken reindeerAnd sled full of beer! With a little old driver, Nose red as a brick, I knew it was SantaAs tight as a tick! Weaving upward and downwardHis reindeer they cameWhile he hiccoughed and more...
Q: Who delievers cat’s Christmas presents?
A: Santa Paws!
Q: Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
A: Because it soots him!
Q: Who delievers elephants’s Christmas presents?
A: Elephanta Claus!
Q: How many chimney does Father Christmas go down?
A: Stacks!
Q: Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve?
A: Because he’s Sooty!
Q: What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
A: Santa Clues!
Q: Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
A: Now thats what you call pot luck!
Q: What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow!
Q: What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
A: Santapplause!
Q: Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A: Santa Jaws!
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of3.5 children per household, that's91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the more...
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't
(appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the
workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an
average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One
presumes there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the
rotation of the earth, assuming more...
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"
Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it " soots " him!
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true. . . Comet cleans sinks!
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: How come you never hear more...
Case Report:
Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome
Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no. 1, December 1997
Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M. D.
On January 2, 1997, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately state his age, presented to my family practice office with complaints of generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and general malaise. The patient's face was erythematic, and he was in mild respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly. He attributed these symptoms to being "not as young as I used to be, HO! HO! HO!", but thought he should have them checked out. The patient's occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to many people worldwide. He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, and gains access to homes via chimneys. He has performed this work for as long as he can remember. Upon examination and more...