Choose Jokes / Recent Jokes

This site logs the IP addresses and types of browser used by its guests. This information is used to monitor and make improvements to the site. This site does not secretly collect any personally identifiable information. User's may choose to become a registered user, in which case they may choose to reveal information about themselves such as their email address. This information will never be shared or sold. Users may remove themselves and their information from the web site's database by contacting us. This website and the advertisers on this website conform to the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act

An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the' newly arrived' area. There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears.
The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses.
The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position. He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot says, "I wanted door number three!"
"Sorry," replies the devil, "that's' flight attendant's hell'."

A new Perfect Husband Shopping Center opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men to find the perfect husband. It was laid out on five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended the floors. The only rule was that once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to leave the store.

So, a couple of girlfriends go to the store to find a man to marry. The first-floor sign reads: "These men have high-paying jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say, "Well, that's wonderful, but..." and wonder what's on the next floor.

The second-floor sign reads: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmmm," say the girls. "Wonder what's further up?"

The third-floor sign reads: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are more...

I work for customer service at AT&T, and we often have to deal with the most confounding questions and responses from customers. Here are a few taken from a compilation called "Thank You for Calling AT&T."
"Thanks for calling AT&T, this is Londa."
"Who did I Call? LONDON?"
"No, this is Londa."
"WHERE? LONDON, ENGLAND?"
"I've been on hold four months."
"Can you tell me if my calling card is in my wallet?"
"I was trying to abuse my calling card, and it's just not working!"
"So...which adult party line would YOU choose?"
"Is 30% more than 10%?"
"I want you to check my bill to see if I would save money on a different plan."
"I'd be glad to do that. May I have your area code and phone number?
"You'll have to look it up. It's a non-published number. I don't give it out."
"I think you're screwing me! I'm going to more...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The d oors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the more...

"How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...