Christian Jokes / Recent Jokes

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:Thank you for calling heaven.For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.If you would like to speak to:God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)

For reservations more...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called in the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a more...

A rabbi went to a hotel.It was the only hotel in the town, and they had only a room available,
but it was kept for a priest, since a week before.
Entering the hotel, the priest hears the rabbi
insisting for a room, approach him and politely
propose him to share the room.There were two beds,
so it was enough space for both.Finely, the rabbi
agrees and they slept in the same room that night.
In the morning the priest say to the rabbi:"You
know, I had a very strange dream last night.I dreamed I was in the jewish heaven.It was
almost dark, the streets were dirty, the people
were very poor dressed and they ate some soup
every day, oh, my god, it was terrible!"
The rabbi say:"That is odd, because last
night I dreamed I was in the christian heaven.
It was wonderful, the sky was so blue, and the grass was green, the birds were singing happy songs, there were rivers of milk'n honey, the trees
were full of tasty fruits, more...

I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?""No!" the children all answered.Then I said, "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"Again, the answer was, "No!""Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

The angry preacher...
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"
No one moved.
The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

The angry preacher...
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

The angry preacher...The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"No one moved.The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"Again all was quiet.Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke."Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."