Church Jokes / Recent Jokes

Inscribed in stone over the great front doors of an old church being restored was: “This is the Gate of Heaven.” Just below it someone had placed a small cardboard sign which read: “Use Other Entrance.”

Finnegan, drunk as usual, staggers into Church, enters the confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The good irish father coughs a few times to get his attention, but Finnegan just sits there. Finally, the irish priest pounds three times on the wall. Finnegan yells, "Ain`t no use knockin, there`s no paper on this side either."

Why do church bells never send e-mails? They'd rather give each other a ring.

There was a hooker who lives in LA who had two female parrets, and only thing parrots seem to know how to say is "We are hookers and we are here to F***. And there is no way the poor hooker was going to get them to say anything else.
So she went to the church one day and told the father of her problem and the father said that he has two male parrots and all they seem to know and do is pray all day long, and that if she were to bring her two parrots over, he can put them together and have the female parents to learn to pray instead.
So hooker thinking that this is a good idea, took the parrots over to the church. As soon as the father puts them into the cage with the males the two parrots said "We are hookes and we are here to F***."
The two male parrots looked at each other with sudden suprise and one tells the other quinching his rosary beads to "Brother stop this, our prayers are finally answered!"

A Minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you aregoing to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out, "Cross."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."

The Pastor hollered out, "Grace."

The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The Pastor said, "Power."

The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."

The Pastor said, "Sex."

The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Suddenly, from the back of the church, a frail little 87 year-old grandmother stood up and, in a tiny more...

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.

"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.

"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.

"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor more...

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church. When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?""Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts.""Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!""Of course not reverend." she said. Your not plugged in yet."