Church Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "... And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. more...

1. Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: The Gate of Heaven". Below
that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."
2. Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best
prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
3. A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?"
Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50
Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
4. On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village
church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied:
"Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
5. During a children's sermon, Rev. more...

Two Men were leaving church on a bright Sunday morning. "You know," said the first friend, "I can always tell who the golfers are in church.""How's that?" asked his friend."It's easy," he said. "Just look at who is praying with an interlocking grip."

10. The church bus has gun racks.
9. The church staff consists of senior pastor, associate pastor and sociopastor.
8. The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version.
7. There is an ATM in the lobby.
6. The choir wears leather robes.
5. The worship services are B.Y.O.S. (bring your own snake).
4. There's no cover charge but communion is a two-drink minimum.
3. The pastor regularly attends meetings in Las Vegas and Atlantic City.
2. The ushers ask, "Smoking or non-smoking?"
1. The Women's Quartet are all married to the pastor.

Little Johnny was in church, getting restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.Not able to take it anymore, he leaned over to his father and whispered, "Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God`s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don`t you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren`t you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain`t."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren`t you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I`ve been married to your sister for 25 years."

After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, "Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please... I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!"

The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!"

The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church"!

The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $
500. 00 in the collection plate!"

And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?!"