Cigar Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day, Pauline Hanson is being chauffeured to a One Nation rally in the Queensland outback, when her driver swerves to avoid a pot hole and hits a cow on the side of the road, killing it instantly.
When they arrive at their destination, Pauline suggests to the driver that he should go back to the farm house and apologise for the accident and offer to pay for the damages.
Three hours later, the driver returns, with all his clothes torn, holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cuban cigar in the other, and swaying left to right as he walked. Pauline asks the driver "What happened"?
"Well, the farmer gave me this bottle, his wife gave me this cigar, and his beautiful 19 year old daughter made passionate love to me!"
"Bloody hell - what did you tell them?"
"I said, Hi, I'm Pauline Hanson's driver and I just killed the cow!"
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road onenight when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners whathad happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to thecar with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes allripped and torn. "What happened to you?" asked Bill."Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar andhis 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.""My God, what did you tell them?" asks Clinton. The driver replies, "Im Bill Clintons driver, and I just killed the pig."
Linda Tripp and and Ken Starr were cruising along a country road one
evening when a cow ran in front of the car. Ken tried to avoid it but
couldn't.
The cow was killed.
Linda told Ken to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what
happened. About an hour later he staggered back to the car with his
clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a
cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Linda.
"Well," Ken shyly replied "the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me
the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Linda.
The driver replied: "That I was giving Linda Tripp a ride, and I just
killed the cow."
An elderly gentleman is walking down the road, and notices a nudist resort has opened recently. He ponders for a bit and thinks, "What the heck, I am old now, I have nothing to hide. I think I'll go check it out." He walks into the reception area where he is greeted by a beautiful blonde woman who is stark naked. He thinks to himself that this place has some definite posibilities.
Receptionist, "May I help you?"
Old man, "Yes, you can. I am thinking of joining. Is there any way I can go in and have a look around?"
Receptionist, "Sure you can. We allow potential nudists to go in for 2 hours and see if it is the life for them, but you have to leave your clothes here."
"Great," says the old man, and hands over his clothes and enters the resort.
He walks around for a few moments, puffing on a cigar, and realizes he is getting tired of walking and also notices he is aroused for the first time in a long time. Spotting a more...
One day a little boy asked his mother,
"Mommy, can I take a shower with you?"
The mother replies kindly, "Yes, you may, but you can't look up!"
While in the shower, the little boy asks, "Mom, what is that?" "That's my bush," replies the mother. "And what are those?" he asked again. "My... milktanks!"
The next day, the little boy asks if he can take a shower with his father. Kindly, the dad says he could. And just like the mother, he said not to look up.
Out of curiosity, the little boy looks up. "What's that?" he asks. "That's my..." replies the father thinking fast, "cigar." "Oh," says the boy.
That evening he asks if he can sleep with his parents. The parents agree, and tell him not to look under the covers. Yet, still... he does. The boy booms, "MOMMY, MOMMY! THE CIGAR IS IN THE BUSHES PUT IT OUT WITH THE MILK TANKS!"
Saddam is riding in his limo in the Iraqi countryside when there is a sudden bump and the limo stops. The chauffer gets out, walks around the car and reports to Saddam, "I just killed a pig. I think it came from that peasant's hut by the road."So Saddam tells him to go and tell the peasant that he is Saddam Hussein's chauffer and that he just killed the pig and that the peasant must be happy because it really is a big honor, to have a pig killed by the president's limo.
The chauffer goes inside the hut and disappears. About an hour later he returns very drunk, smoking a cigar, and looking extremely happy."What happened there?" asks Saddam."I went inside, I said what you told me to say, and the peasant hugged me and thanked me, and threw a party in my honor and gave me this cigar.""And what exactly did you tell him?""I said' I'm Saddam Hussein's chauffer and I just killed the pig!'"
Billy Joe and Billy Ray went to the big city to get jobs.
They had been friends since they were kids, so they decided to apply at the same firm. They had finished filling out the applications and were waiting to see the owner.
Billy Ray was called in first. The owner was a stout man, with a weathered face and a scar above his right eye. He also had the distinguishing feature of having no ears, just two tiny holes in the sides of his head.
The man ordered Billy Ray to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Ray "This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!"
Billy Ray looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the owner and said "You ain't got no ears!" The owner jumped out of his chair, grabbed Billy Ray by the neck and threw him out of his more...