Cigarette Jokes / Recent Jokes

I got this stuff from one of my friend: Overheard at the Bharatiya Janata Party office in Bombay:
Person 1 (to another who was smoking a foreign made cigarette): "You claim to be staunch advocate of the swadeshi (locally-made) movement, then why are you smoking a foreign cigarette?"
Person 2 replied: "Where am I smoking the cigarette? I am simply burning it to ashes."

A REALLY Bad DaySo you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife more...

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment." Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this: * Warning: These cigarettes are king size - how about you? * Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller. * Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you. * Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon. * Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not. * Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children - That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any. * Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff - so do you. * Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before? * Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub. * Warning: Don't throw lit more...

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment."
Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this:
* Warning!: These cigarettes are king size - how about you?
* Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.
* Warning!: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
* Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
* Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not.
* Warning!: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children - That is... if you're capable of conceiving any.
* Warning!: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff - so do you.
* Warning!: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?
* Warning!: The only thing left after a more...

It was matchday at the local ground. The groundsman was in the car park when a car drew up and a man looked out.' Excuse me,' he said.' Did I accidentally leave a cigarette alight and burn your pavilion to the ground the last time I was here?'

The groundsman recognised him.' Yes, you certainly did!'

'Oh good, we're at the right ground!'

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking
a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into
her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her
cigarette and continued to smoke. Sort of a raincoat for her
cigarette.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it
that you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase
condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown,
the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked
the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but
looked a little surprised that this old lady was interested in
condoms, but he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and then said, more...

So you think you're having a bad day? The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the more...