Cigarette Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is a true story:
A man was in a grocery store shopping, when he lit a cigarette.
The manager walks up to him and politely asks him to extinguish it.
The man refuses, saying " Well you sell cigarettes here, dont you?"
The store manager replies " Yes sir we do, and we also sell condoms."
The man quickly put the cigarette out.

Cigarette problems
At my cousin's wedding, my dad (who doesn't much care for his nephew's bride) thought it would be funny to flick his cigarette at her back as she walked down the aisle. It got caught in her hair and started to smolder. Her father had to get it out while she cried hysterically. Then he punched my Uncle Raymond, whom he thought had tossed it, right square in the forehead and ended up breaking his own hand. Good wedding.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cigarette!
Cigarette who?
Cigarette life if you don't weaken!

I was in a pub yesterday and the cigarette machine said "You smell and you're ugly" Then I heard a voice coming from a nearby plate of peanuts saying "You're a very handsome young man" Turns out the cigarette machine was out of order and the nuts were complimentary.

National Public Radio sent Scott Simon to Bosnia to cover the war. He did one piece on humor in Bosnia, much of which is black humor. Here are the one's I remember.
Cigarettes are in very short supply. A man had put the unsmoked half of his cigarette over his ear.
He was running between buildings with a friend when a sniper opened up on them. He was hit a glancing blow which sheared off his ear. He stopped frantically in the middle of the street looking at the ground.
His friend yelled, "Get under cover, you fool. You've got two ears."
He replied, It's not the ear that is in question, it is the cigarette."
A man was in one of the long queues for water when he broke wind.
The woman standing behind him put a stern hand on his shoulder, turned him around and demanded, "Where did you get beans?"
The line going about now is that if Jesus were to appear in Sarajevo, carrying his cross, people would come out from hiding to approach him, more...

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?". The other old lady said," Its a condom". "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?". The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

Two
old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a
smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled
out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette,
and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't
get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she
wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed,
looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80
years old), but very delicately asks what brand she
prefers.
"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted