Cigarette Jokes / Recent Jokes

A few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar...
"Damn- that s**t is DOPE!"
~~~ That is a wonderful concept/object/action.
"I can't FADE that!"
~~~ I am unable to hande this at this time.
"Shante ain't HAVIN' it!"
~~~ This is not something that Shante will allow to occur.
"Homey-Boo was dropping PHAT beats."
~~~ Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music.
"YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!"
~~~ Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?
"JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN' it!"
~~~ I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity.
"What's up? Why you ALL UP IN my s**t!?!"
~~~ Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs.
"She is HELLA' CLOWIN' you HOMEY!"
~~~ The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existant at this more...

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says: "I need a cigarette." "But honey," his lover says. "The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed." "That's okay," He quips. "I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue." So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand. The first nun walks over to the young man. "Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser!" She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he more...

A man was stranded on a desert island for ten years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi. Am I ever happy to see you!"
Girl: "Hi. It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It has been ten years." With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It has been ten years." The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle."
Finally, the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
The man looked at her and said excitedly: more...

At my cousin's wedding, my dad (who doesn't much care for his nephew's bride) thought it would be funny to flick his cigarette at her back as she walked down the aisle. It got caught in her hair and started to smolder. Her father had to get it out while she cried hysterically. Then he punched my Uncle Raymond, whom he thought had tossed it, right square in the forehead and ended up breaking his own hand. Good wedding.

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said,
'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'
The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,
'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
'I'll take six more...

This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, 'hey there buddy,' it hollers, 'you're looking mighty fine tonight!'
The guy can't believe what he is seeing. 'This sure is some strong beer!' He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak, 'hey asshole, go screw yourself!' it yells.
The guy can't believe it and decides to ask the bartender what's going on. 'Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the men's room, your cigarette machine just swore at me.'
'Let me explain,' replies the bartender 'the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order.'

This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, 'hey there buddy,' it hollers, 'you're looking mighty fine tonight!'The guy can't believe what he is seeing. 'This sure is some strong beer!' He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak, 'hey asshole, go screw yourself!' it yells.The guy can't believe it and decides to ask the bartender what's going on. 'Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the men's room, your cigarette machine just swore at me.''Let me explain,' replies the bartender 'the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order.'