City Jokes / Recent Jokes
A long time ago, in the city of Munich, the inhabitants were having a big problem. There was a massive increase in the number of dogs residing in the city. Not only were thousands of dogs, but they were BIG dogs.... real hounds to be exact. Anyway, the people of Munich bunched together and decided they would solve the problem by driving all the dogs out of the city and into the hills. So one day, they all grouped together and forced all the hounds out of the city and into the hills, thereby solving their problem.
However, this action proved disastrous for the neighbouring town of Lieden. Lieden was a leader in the manufacturing of paper and the big paper mills provided work for many. As the hounds in the hills began to get hungry, they descended upon the small town of Lieden and were soon running a riot! All the shops were broken into as the dogs searched for food. As Lieden was much smaller than Munich, they didn't have the manpower to force the hounds out of the town and all more...
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching over $300. 00 per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $90. 00 per night. That leaves $210. 00 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. They treat you like a customer, not a patient and $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And - you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix more...
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."
A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.
The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"
* If Oracle made toasters… They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke!
* If HP made toasters… They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread!
* If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
* If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
* If Circuit City made toasters… The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
* If Thinking Machines made toasters… You more...
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going togive up the city life, move to the country, and become a chickenfarmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turnsout that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. Theneighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn'teasy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100chickens."The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the newneighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmersaid, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens.I'll give you 100 more."Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The newfarmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?"Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not more...
A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"