Claus Jokes / Recent Jokes

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him more...

December 1stTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols. .. feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis - Human Resources DirectorDecember 2ndTO: ALL EMPLOYEESIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your more...

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year!
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas?
Because they were originally made for children but Dad wants to play with them.
Why does Santa wear red underwear?
Because he's a man - he did all his laundry in one load.
What does Santa Claus like to do in his garden?
Hoe, hoe, hoe!
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic!
What do you call a teenager who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit!

An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.
Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.
All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."
Personnel will utilize standard more...

How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid

101. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.


102. Q: How do blondes get pregnant?
A: And you thought blondes were dumb.


103. Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"


104. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.


105. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.


106. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.


107. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.


108. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.


109. Q: But more...