Claus Jokes / Recent Jokes

This was sent to me by Stefan (who works here), who got it from Steve (who
works at Hayes down the street), who evidently got it from somewhere that
had SPY magazine in its ancestry....The rebuttal is all mine, however. Jim.
Proposition: IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? (See below for my rebuttal..)
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from
that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to
present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa
has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total more...

Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A. You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A. It's Christmas, Eve!
Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.
Q. Why does Mr. Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A. Because every buck is dear to him.
Q. What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Cringle.
Q. What does Father Christmas write on his cards at Christmas?
A. ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (no-L)
Q. What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A. It was already wound up.

Dear Friend..... I have been watching you very closely to see if
you have been very good this year and since you have I will be
telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your
tree at Christmas.
I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas,
but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all
come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the
11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9
pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7
swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French
hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up
to my sled runners in bird sh*t.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my
reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and
some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas
for the 5th of more...

WIFE
Husband asks, "Do u know the meaning of WIFE - Without Information Fighting Every time!!!"
Wife replies," No, It means - With Idiot For Ever!!!"
------------------------------------------------------
SANTA CLAUS
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother" Santa wrote back," send me your mother"
-------------------------------------------------------
SLEEP TALKING
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
-----------------------------------------------------
WISHING WELL
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
-----------------------------------------------------
TICKETS more...

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed
someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they
stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident.
Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first
place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no more...

Santa Claus is making his rounds, and suddenly becomes startled by a
beautiful woman gracefully walking down the stairs in a very sheer
nightgown.
"Santa Claus, will you make love to me?" she asks seductively
Santa replies" Ho, Ho, Ho, Santa's gota go... Gota deliver toys to all the
good little girls and boys."
The lady, removing her nightgown is now in a very tight and lacy teddy
and again asks:"Santa Claus, will you make love to me?"
Santa, sweating now, gains his composure and still replies "Ho, Ho, Ho,
Santa's gota go... Gota deliver toys to all the good little girls and
boys."
The beautiful woman proceeds to take off the teddy, revealing her
worderfully formed nude body and again asks: "Santa Claus, will you make
love to me?" even more seductively
Santa, can't take it anymore and replies" Hey, hey, hey, Looks like
Santa's gotta stay...there ain't now way I'm getting more...

Santa Claus Is Wearing A Gown
(sung to Santa Claus Is Coming To Town)
You better come out,
you better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.
He's making the switch,
He's leaving his wife,
He's gonna come out, to start a new life
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.
A secret he's been keeping,
It's made him awful tense.
He knows it will be better now,
When he comes down off that fence.
So you better come out,
You better not cry, you better not pout,
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.