Clem Jokes

Poor Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.
Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked and said "Nope, ain't Clyde." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Zeke to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician asked "How can you tell?" Zeke said, "Well, Clyde had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician. Zeke said, "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes."

Two very drunk hillbillies were driving down a mountain road when suddenly they blew a tire, lost control of the car and went sailing over the cliff's edge.
As they plummeted downward, the hillbilly on the passenger side screamed hysterically, "Oh, my God, Clem, we're gonna die!"
"Aw, don't worry about a thing," Clem reassured him, looking below. "There's a stop sign at the bottom."
The hillbilly was whitewashing the interior of his country outhouse and had the misfortune of falling through the opening. Standing knee-deep in shit, he hollered, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs. The local fire department responded to the alarm on the double, with tires squealing and sirens screaming as they skidded to a halt in front of the privy.
"Where's the fire?" called the chief.
"Ain't no fuckin' fire," replied the farmer as they hoisted him out of the two-holer, "but who the hell would've rescued me if more...

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex." It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled." That sounds wonderful," said Jed." Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?" "Baaaaa..."

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."

Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.''
Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?''
Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.''
Clem: ''What did thief do then?''
Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!''