Closed Jokes / Recent Jokes
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
The following journal entry has been "borrowed" from a federal employee, whose name and occupation have been withheld for his or her protection.Dear Diary,Today was the same as any other day. I got to work 5 hours early in order to find parking in the Menial Federal Employee Parking Lot. It's mandatory that all employees park in the lot, although there are only 10 spots for 400 employees, but there is ample street parking.Then there is the Supervisor Lot, which has 50 spots for 2 supervisors. Our cars will be immediately towed if we park in the Supervisor Lot. Actually, one of the two supervisors does nothing but make sure that nobody else parks in the Supervisor Lot. He's currently making a six-figure salary.At the door, I had to show my building card to the security guard. He started telling me about his wife's problems. I told him I need to get to work, and he reminded me of the clause in my contract that stated that I have to listen to every story he wants to tell me.Six more...
•WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger•WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet•WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file •WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong•WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused•WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive•WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware•WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments•WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened•WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full•WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB•WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More! •WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside•WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside•WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened•WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers•WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh? •WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try more...
A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water."That customers going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?""Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."
Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just closed the register.
The Bathroom Door is Closed. Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken. I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling, "She's in the BATHROOM!
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two, but not now.
Do not slide pennies, Lego's, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and more...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates.
The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates would get the job. The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I more...