Closer Jokes / Recent Jokes

Since the wealthy couple had plans to attend an evening ball and would be out until very late, they told their butler he could have the night off to do as he pleased.
The couple went to the ball and dinner. After a couple of hours, the wife told her husband she was terribly bored and preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.
The husband told her to go ahead, but he would have to stay for a few more hours to meet some important business partners.
The wife left for home and when she arrived, she found their butler sprawled out on the couch watching television.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then, closer still. She moved forward and whispered in his ear, ""Take off my dress. Now take off my bra. Now remove my shoes and stockings. Now remove my garter belt and panties."
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a very stern voice, shouted, "The next time I catch you more...

One morning two priests head to the showers. It isn't until they were already in the shower, that they realized they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap.
Rather than get dressed, he peeks out into the hallway, and since no one is around, he decides to make a run for it. He gets the two bars of soap and checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All was clear, so he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking towards him. With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he is a statue, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap.
The nuns approach and the first nun says, "Oh my, look at that! Isn't that the most lifelike statue you've ever seen?"
She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled, he drops the first bar of soap.
"Oh Heavens," she exclaims, "I got a bar of more...

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, ''Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.'' ''Well,'' the doctor replied, ''go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness''.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, ''Honey, what's for dinner?'' He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, ''Honey, what's for dinner?'' She replies, ''For the fourth time, vegetable stew!''

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, ''Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.''
''Well,'' the doctor replied, ''go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness''.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, ''Honey, what's for dinner?''
He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again.
No reply.
He moves five feet closer.
Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, ''Honey, what's for dinner?''
She replies, ''For the fourth time, vegetable stew!

A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot.

The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot.

The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him.

The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself.

It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the States.

He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him.

The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look.

With the elephant still giving him the staredown, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's more...