Closer Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It`s not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It`s not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It`s not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you`ve had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you`ve had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask more...
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him.
"How bad is it?" the doctor asks.
"I have no idea," the husband says.
"Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way we'll have an idea of her range of hearing loss."
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner. From 20 feet away: "What are we having for dinner?"
No answer. From 10 feet: Same thing. From 5 feet: Same thing. Finally, he's standing right behind her: "What's for dinner?"
She turns around, looks at him and says:"For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!"
Farmer Brown is lying on his deathbed barely able to breathe. Just as he is about to expire, the aroma of freshly baked brownies comes to him. He has always had a passion for this confection and thinks to himself,' If I could just have one more brownie I could die in peace!'
He calls to his wife but his voice is so frail she cannot hear him. Not getting an answer, he slides out of the bed and onto the floor. He drags himself across the room and out into the hallway.
Down the hall and down the stairs he goes ever so slowly, crawling hand over hand closer to that heavenly smell. At the bottom of the stairs he pulls himself along painfully -- hand over hand closer to that delicious aroma.
He drags himself across the living room across the dining room and finally up into his chair at the dining table. He reaches across the table and grabs the tray of freshly baked brownies.
As he drags the tray towards himself it makes a scraping noise, and more...
there are 2 blondes standing outside looking at the moon 1 says to the other . I wonder which is closer the moon or florida? the other says DUHHH!!! HELLO! we can see the moon.
One morning 2 priests head to the showers and it isn't until they are
already in the shower they both realize they did not bring any soap.
Father Jack decides he'll run back for the soap, he checks out the
hallway, no one around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a
run for it. He checks the hall before heading back to the showers,
all clear, so he makes a break for it, just as he turns the corner to
the showers he spots three nuns walking towards him. With no where to
go he stands perfectly still, holding the 2 bars of soap hoping the
nuns will think he's a statue.
The nuns approach, "oh my look at that, isn't that the most life like
statue you've ever seen?" the first asks. She steps up for a closer
look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's dick.
Startled he drops the 1st bar of soap. "oh heaven's" she exclaims
"I got a bar of soap".
The 2nd nun amazed at more...
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness." Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a more...