Coats Jokes / Recent Jokes

once a blonde wanted to prove to her husband that blondes are smart.so she dicided to paint the house.when her husband comes home he aasked"why are you wearing your ski coat and your fur coat"she says"i looked @ the back of the paint can and it said for best results put on two coats"

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

A husband comes home and sees his wife painting the livingroom, but she had her raincoat and her fur coat on. He asks her why she has her coats on? She replies, "I read the can, and it said for best results put on two coats."

A car breaks down along the highway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in long black trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to all the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups. When the police questioned him why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

(Forwarding this gem from one of my discussion groups. Nearly laughed my Byrd off. The poster could neither confirm nor deny authorship.)
Internet Response to the Communications Decency Act
With the passing of the Communications Decency Act, we urge all people wishing to use electronic communications, but forced to limit their language and thus risk confusion, to consider using the following list of substitute words, which we feel the Senators involved will be reluctant to ban or censor:
Byrd:Noun:The posterior or hinder parts, specifically the anus.
Coats:Noun:Excrement, or as a verb to excrete.
Exon:Verb:To copulate with, the act of copulation.
Gorton:Noun:The female genitals, or specifically the vagina.
Gramm:Verb:To achieve orgasm. Also colloquially used as a noun.
Heflin:Noun:The female secondary sexual characteristics.
Helms:Noun:The male phallus.
An example of this usage might be as follows:
"'Exon me !', she cried, as more...

a farmer was awakend by horrible sound in the
late hours of the night. he went out to
investigate the noise, when he found his chickens running scared from the chicken house.
the farmer went in the house to find his bird in the hen house rapping the chickens. he grabbed the bird by the neck and took him into the house and threw him on his perch. he then told the
bird if he did it again he would tear every feather out of his body. the following night the same thing happend and the farmer did just what he had told his bird he would do.he plucked every feather off of his body and threw him on the perch again. he had warned the bird that night that he had better behave for the farmer was having a party that night and the only way for the bird to redeem himself was to help the farmer out by telling the compnay "coats the the right".
the party begin later that night and the farmer was keeping an on on the bird he seemd to be doing well when all of the suddenly more...

a farmer was awakend by horrible sound in the
late hours of the night. he went out to
investigate the noise, when he found his chickens running scared from the chicken house.
the farmer went in the house to find his bird in the hen house rapping the chickens. he grabbed the bird by the neck and took him into the house and threw him on his perch. he then told the
bird if he did it again he would tear every feather out of his body. the following night the same thing happend and the farmer did just what he had told his bird he would do.he plucked every feather off of his body and threw him on the perch again. he had warned the bird that night that he had better behave for the farmer was having a party that night and the only way for the bird toredeem himself was to help the farmer out by telling the compnay "coats the the right".
the party later that night and the farmer was keeping an on on the bird he seemd to be doing well when all of the suddenly a man more...