Coffin Jokes / Recent Jokes
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30, 000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10, 000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20, 000 in the coffin."The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I more...
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30, 000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20, 000 into the envelope because he needed $10, 000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10, 000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20, 000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30, 000."
Knock Knock Who's there! Coffin! Coffin who? Coffin and spluttering!
A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP.. BUMP... behind him
Walking faster he looks back and can make out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him
...BUMP,
it goes... BUMP..
...BUMP..
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his house, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him..
Faster..
FASTER..
BUMP..
BUMP..
BUMP!
He runs up to the door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him..
However, the coffin crashes through the door - its lid clapping dementedly.. Clappity-BUMP..
Clappity-BUMP..
Clappity-BUMP..
Hot on the heels of the terrified man..
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is mixed with sobs and gasps..
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him..
The man screams more...
Q: What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A: Count Duckula
Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank
Q: What does a baby bat say before going to bed?
A: Turn on the dark. I'm afraid of the light!
Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula's terror-tory
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A: By blood vessels.
Q: What's the part of a restaurant where vampires don't suck blood?
A: The non-Suckers section.
Q: Why doesn't anyone like Count Dracula?
A: He's a pain in the neck.
Q: What does Dracula say when introduced to someone?
A: "Hello, pleased to eat you!"
Q: What is Dracula's position in baseball?
A: Batboy
Q: What is the largest building in Transylvania?
A: The Vampire State Building.
Q: Why did Dracula go to jail?
A: Because he robbed the blood bank.
Q: What's a vampire's favorite feast?
A: Fangsgiving Day more...
1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the more...