Cold Jokes / Recent Jokes

He’s not one to do things in halves…He does them in fifths.
* When he returns from lunch, he is so loaded they make him take the freight elevator.
* He’s been frequenting a new night club. It has the nicest tables he’s ever been under.
* When he gets a cold, he buys a bottle of whiskey, and in no time it is gone. The whiskey, not the cold.
* Since he has been visiting a psychiatrist, he now drinks on the couch.
* He’s the nicest chap on two feet…if he could only stay there.
* In taverns all over town he is regarded as one of their most unsteadiest customers.
* If it weren’t for pretzels, he’d be entirely on a liquid diet.
* He frequents so many bars that his suits aren’t dry cleaned. They are distilled.
* If there’s a nip in the air, he even tries to drink that.
* He would be an interesting specimen to an entomologist. A good specimen of a bar fly.
* On his last birthday, he lit all of the candles on his more...

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I`m getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I`m getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last" & &

Jack was suffering with a horrible cold, so he went to see his doctor. His doctor prescribed some pills for him, but they didn't help.
Back Jack went to the doctor the next day and this time he was given a shot, but that too didn't seem to help.
Once again, Jack went back to the doctor. This time he was told to go home, take a hot bath and as soon as he finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
"What!" Jack exclaimed. "If I do something like that, I'll end up with pneumonia!"
"That, I can cure!" said his doctor.

Q: Why is it so cold at Christmas?
A: Because it's in Decembrrrr!

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."
So he did, and his hands warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up."
He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with more...

Similarity between male organ and shaving gel can:

Shaving gel can:
Warning: contents under pressure.
Do not puncture or incinerate.
Do not store
At temperature above 120 degrees f as container may burst.
Avoid extreme Cold.
Use only as directed. Keep out of reach of children.

Guys thing:
Warning contents under pressure.
Do not puncture or cut off!!!!!
Do not store At temperature above 98.6 degrees f as container may have trouble bursting.
Avoid extreme cold.
Use only as directed.
No jailbait allowed.

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After awhile, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result. Pretty soon, when any monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original monkey with a more...