Colonel Jokes / Recent Jokes
Posted in a foreign country, a young soldier was greeted by the colonel of his new regiment. "You'll like it here, Caruthers," he said. "We keep ourselves entertained. On Monday we have a high-stakes poker session and..." "I don't gamble, sir," interrupted Caruthers. "Never mind. Tuesday is drinking night." "I don't drink, sir," said Caruthers. "I've taken the pledge." "OK," said the colonel. "Maybe Wednesday is up your street. Girls from the village entertain us, if you know what I mean." "I don't go with loose women," said Caruthers. "Look here!" barked the colonel. "You're not queer, lad, are you?" "Certainly not," replied Caruthers. "Ah, well," sighed the colonel. "Then you won't like Thursday night either."
It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?" "Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point." Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel more...
During training exercises, the Lieutenant driving down a
muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud
with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled
alongside.
"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him
the keys, "Yours is."
The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly
ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and
forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he
spat out. "Yes, general!" the colonel quavered. "Your troops, your
troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice,
but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their
underwear?"
He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general,
yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with
Giovanni..."
A British colonel was walking down the street in London when he saw a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in the gutter playing a mouth organ. A sign beside the guy read, Victim of Falklands War." "Bloody disgraceful, what," said the colonel, "the way the country treats its veterans!" So saying, he pulled out his wallet, peels off two fifty pound notes and dropped them in the guy`s hat. The guy looked up and says, "Mucho gracias, senor."
A Colonel issued the following directive to his executive officers:
“Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley’s Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it. ”
Executive officer to company commander:
“By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley’s Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years. ”
Company commander to lieutenant:
“By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley’s Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the more...