Colonel Jokes / Recent Jokes

A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex. The general maintained that sex was 60 per cent work and 40 per cent fun. The colonel said it was 75 per cent work and 25 per cent fun. The major thought it was 90 per cent work and 10 per cent fun. At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door.
"Let's leave it to him," said the major.
The private listened carefully and said with an air of absolute finality, "If you will pardon me, Sirs, sex is 100 per cent fun and no work at all."
"How do you figure that?" cried the astonished officers.
"It is very simple," said the private. "If there was any work in it at all, you guys would have me doing it for you."

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys "Yours is."

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when a PFC knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the PFC to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, Ill be seeing him this afternoon and Ill pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressedthe young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?""Nothing important, sir," the PFC replied, "Im just here to hook up your telephone."

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when a PFC knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the PFC to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressedthe young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the PFC replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Retired colonel, talking of the good old days: Have you ever hunted bear? His grandson's teacher: No, but I've been fishing in shorts.

A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died."

The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."

The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away.

The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.
The colonel called the first candidate his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1500, what would you do?"
The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging. "
"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.
The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.
"Sir," said the next Lt., "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and... "
"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.
Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, more...