Colorado Jokes / Recent Jokes

For those of you who have never traveled to the great West or Southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing. For some reason the bovines will not step on the guards, probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails. I need to make that clear in order for everyone to appreciate the following TRUE story.

President GW Bush received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Because Colorado ranchers protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, he ordered the Secretary of Interior to fire half of the guards immediately. Before the Secretary could respond, and presumably straighten him out, Colorado's Congress-woman Pat Schroeder intervened with a request that before any were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

~~
Editor's note: No, it didn't really happen...

Great new ad campaign:

The border between Israel and Lebanon. Dudes on Israeli side are looking angry. Dudes on Lebanese side are looking angry. The sun is blistering. Tempers are flaring. This could get ugly.

Then one of the soldiers cracks open a frosty Coors light. Then that arctic train, the one with all the frost and the hot chicks attached to it, comes barrelling down the border. The entire desert scene turns into arctic tundra and there is enough Coors light for everyone. It is damn cold now, ZZ Top is playing, and everyone is getting along, just like in the Colorado Rockies.

Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses. It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence. No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed) It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3. 2% alcohol. Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday. It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building. You may not drive a black car on Sundays. It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado. The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park. It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex. It is illegal for a man to kiss a more...

Camping by the Colorado River, a woman was surprised to see a man rowing down the river screaming, "No! No! No!" Spotting another woman down the shore, she ran over. •
"Say," she said quickly, "shouldn't we do something to help that man? He seems to be in distress."
The other woman looked up, her expression placid. "Oh, he's my husband, and he's just fine."
"If he's fine, then why is he rowing down the river screaming' no'?"
The other woman smiled. "During the week he's a corporate' yes' man."

Denver is under two feet of fresh snow, leading to two thousand canceled flights by United Airlines alone, and few stranded passengers appear concerned.

However, spot shortages of eggnog and Irish coffee have been reported in the area.

How to identify where a driver is from...
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:California *with gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in more...

Cats in International Falls, Minnesota, are not allowed to chase dogs up telephone poles.
If your dog gets your neighbor's dog pregnant in Danbury, Connecticut, you are responsible and must pay for the abortion if the neighbor chooses to have it done.
No dog may be tied to a shade tree in Birmingham, Alabama.
An ordinance in Belvedere, California, states "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
Another misworded ordinance is this one from Arvada, Colorado: "If a stray pet is not claimed within 24 hours, the owner will be destroyed."
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina.
In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose without a taillight.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.
A more...