Comedy Jokes / Recent Jokes

In recent days, much has been written about the change in our national mood, and how the tragic attacks will affect the entertainment industry.
After consulting with industry leaders, we have taken the initiative and drafted the following guidelines for comedy and for action movies. These rules are effective as of October 1.
COMEDY RULES
Until further notice, all violent humor is to be replaced by sexist humor.
Similarly, all ethnic humor is to be replaced by obesity humor.
Jokes about death are to be replaced by jokes about long-term illness.
Jokes about long-term illness are to be replaced by jokes about minor injury.
Any stand-up comic who does a routine about airplanes is to be accompanied onstage by a federal marshal. (We should have done this years ago.)
No comedy is to be directed at countries with valuable airspace.
From now on, irony can only be deployed when referring to the following:
black flies in Chardonnays
free rides when more...

Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the event.
Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in
San Francisco. For those who plan WAY in advance, next year's
Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).
These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day:
Michael McShane
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent
them two hammers and a toilet seat.
I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
Sue Murphy
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
Fred Reiss
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
Great song.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.
Jake Johansen
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was more...

In the wake of the Michael Richards debacle, Laugh Factory owner Jaime Masada has banned the N-word from his comedy club.
"However," he added, "bitch, ho and c*nt are still funny."

Near the end of high school, I became a trained professional wrestler and thought about pursuing it after I finished school, although my parents were not keen on that idea at all. Then I switched to stand-up comedy, and all of a sudden my parents became very supportive and encouraging. Basically the message they sent me was that it's okay for me to have a drug problem, as long as I'm not grabbing another guy's ass while doing it.

Which type of comedy leaves a hamburger cold? BITING humour!

Chapter 3: Glossary of Comedy Terms
Here is some fancy industry talk you should memorize.


I Killed: I bombed

I Died:I bombed

I Slated Them: I bombed

Rolling in the Aisles: I bombed so bad, they literally threw shit at me.

Doing Filler: I ran out of material and winged it by pretending to fuck a stool and still bombed.

Over their Heads: No one understood how clever my observations on the differences between white people and black people were and I bombed.

Doing Panel: Sitting next to Johnny Carson trying to disguise your material as chit-chat and bombing.

Gig: A non-paying job

Setup: The explaining part of a joke (should be as long as possible)

Punch: Optional

I crushed: I bombed in front of a hundred or more people

Blue Material: Talking about sex and/or your dick. (Note: Works especially well if you're a minority or from Long Island.)

Mike Too Hot: Volume so more...

Chapter 2: Are You Funny? No!
I know I can teach you comedy. Why? Because I have won several comedy competitions sponsored by many notable brands of beer and malt liquor. Oh sure, you could buy someone else's comedy book, thereby verifying that you are gay and an arsonist as I have long suspected, but wouldn't you rather learn from the voice of experience? I'm talking about the experience that comes from winning a Bacardi T-shirt by telling a joke about your dick that is so funny, Bacardi is considering putting a picture of it on the labels of its many fine beverages! Enough of that, though! We'll learn more about my dick in Chapter 8: The Pride of New Jersey!
First, let's find out if you're funny. Actually, we both know you aren't funny. Otherwise, why would you buy a book on how to be funny? It's because you're a dumb shit, that's why. Thanks for the upwards of 15 bucks, dumb shit-for-brains! Hopefully, though, you're funnier than my mom, who doesn't understand my jokes more...