Coming Jokes / Recent Jokes

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again - the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

Twas the night before Payback...'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land, The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan. Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees, He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas. He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter, But all that he's done is just make us madder. We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut, And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot. And yes we remember the USS Cole, And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole. You think you can rule us and cause us to fear, You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear. And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam, And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs. You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide, They'll go down in history as the place where you died. Remember Khadhafi and his line of death? He came very close, to his final breath. So come out and prove it, that you are a man, Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan. They are more...

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?" Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It more...

Two friends meet each other on the street."Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill."Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery.I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid."I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?"."It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his fly. As he walks up to the bar the bartender says, "Hey pal, you know you've got a steering wheel coming out of your fly?"
And the pirate says "R it's driving me nuts!"

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing more...

As a mother was walking past her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from the room. Quietly opening the door, she saw her daughter going to town with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Mother, I'm thirty-seven years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'm ever going to get to a husband. Now please, just go away and leave me alone," the daughter said.
The following day, the girl's father heard the same buzzing noise coming from the other side of her closed bedroom door. Slowly opening the door, he saw his daughter giving herself a real workout with the vibrator. Taken aback, he asked her what she was doing.
"Dad, I'm thirty-seven years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'm ever going to get to a husband. Now please, just go away and leave me alone," she groaned.
Several days later, the mother came home from a shopping trip and heard that same buzzing more...