Command Jokes / Recent Jokes
Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key more...
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her efective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was more...
Dear Tech Support:I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.Applications such as Hang out with the Guys Night 10.3, Multiple Sports Nights 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program.Can you help me, please!!! Thanks, Joe
Dear Joe:This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from more...
Worf signs his son Alexander up for ballet lessons.
Data swears.
Guinan removes her hat, revealing that she is a Saturday Night Live
style Conehead.
Picard beams down.
All of Geordi's lines are in words of two syllables or less, with no
pseudo-scientific doubletalk.
Troi runs amok with a machete.
Barclay is really the Captain; Picard is just an ensign, and all of his
"command" has been a holodeck simulation.
No guest stars are relatives of Tasha Yar.
Geordi gets a woman.
Riker doesn't get a woman.
Data states that he cannot use contractions after using one in the
previous scene, and the fabric of the universe, unable to withstand the
continuity error, is rent asunder.
Picard wakes up muttering "there's no place like home."
Riker accepts command of another starship, the U.S.S. ZZ Top.
Ten Forward is turned into a strip-joint, with its lead act being Beverly
Crusher as "The Dancing, more...
The following are strange error messages you can get Unix to generate.
They were culled during the summer of 1988 from rec.humor. As
we all know, real error messages have two parts: a message code, and a
return code. Ideally, the message code is hexadecimal, the return code
is octal, and the manual explaining the error messages uses decimal.
But Unix (tm), in keeping with its characteristic lexical confusion,
produces error messages which, although designed to make the system
appear sentient, and conversational, ultimately make the system seem as
stupid as it is. Note that the '%' prompt indicates that the command
should be issued from the C shell, and the '$' prompt indicates the
Bourne shell. Enjoy.
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ."
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change^ more...
Your Captain Might Be A Redneck If... Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a monthHe paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacellesYou have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"He refers to Klingons as "Critters"He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foilThere is a stuffed possum in the Ready RoomHe installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer sectionHe says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"He resigned his command because he always wanted to own a fireworks standHe hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreenHe rewires his communicator into his belt buckleHe replicates items from the Graceland gift shopThe primary colour of the Starship is "bondo"He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above itHe says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "E"gage"He can't wait to go off-duty, so more...
A kid is holding a conversation with a talking dog.
"Why do you poop in people's yards?" asks the little kid.
"We've learned to sit and we've learned to stay," said the dog. "We've learned to lay down, roll over, and play dead. People taught us the 'No' command, the 'Heel' command, and even the 'Shake Paws' command. But nobody ever thought to teach us the 'GET THE F*** OUT OF MY YAAAARD!!!' command!