Command Jokes / Recent Jokes
COMPUTER BLUES
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close more...
What the report SAID (1), What the report MEANT (2)
(1) While on routine patrol. . .
(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.
(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner.
(2) He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN- DON'T FEED THE PIGS".
(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.
(2) It was raining.
(1) This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
(2) It was too hot to ride in the car.
(1) I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner. . .
(2) The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.
(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history. . .
(2) He puked on my uniform one night. . .
(1) The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the more...
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5. 0 to Husband 1. 0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5. 0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1. 0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7. 5, CruiseShip 2. 3, and OperaNight 6. 1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1. 3, SaturdayFootball 5. 0, Golf 2. 4 and ClutterEverywhere 4. 5. Conversation 8. 0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14. 1 or HouseCleaning 2. 6.
I've tried running Nagging 5. 3 to fix Husband 1. 0, but this is all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women more...
True Tech-Support Stories Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system couldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the more...
USER-FRIENDLY
C: DUR
Command not found. Try retyping
USER-HELPFUL
C: DUR
I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR?
USER-UNFRIENDLY
C: DUR
C: DUR
C: DUR
C: DUR
USER-HOSTILE
C: DUR
Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what I'll do.
USER-INDIFFERENT
C: DUR
DUR?
USER-PATRONIZING
C: DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time, use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.
USER-OBSEQUIOUS
C: DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.
USER-SARCASTIC
C: DUR
Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.
USER-INSULTING
C: DUR
F*ck off
C: DIR
F*ck off
USER-SMUG
C: DUR
No
C: DOR
Nope
C: more...
A plain computer illeterate SARDAR rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
Sardaar: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
Sardaar: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
Sardaar: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the Sardaar is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
Sardaar: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Le me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
Sardaar: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS more...
I was sitting in a chat room,
Feeling mildly amused,
When I saw something strange,
That left me all confused.
Someone typed a word,
(As far as I could tell)
But I had never seen it.
What is an LOL?
Then the plot got thicker,
More words I didn’t know,
A person started typing,
The word LMAO.
I sat there in amazement,
I felt like a dumb toad.
Could it be, these people,
Were speaking in a code?
That’s when I looked closer.
And found the subtle clue.
I figured out this code
And I’ll share it now, with you.
LOL is three little words,
That seem, to me, quite shady.
LOL is a command,
The words, “Lean Over Lady? ”
LMAO, was more obscure,
It made me sweat my socks!
LMAO is a command,
Meaning, “Leave Me Alone, Ox! ”
ROFL was harder still,
I found it rather sickening.
It’s a discreet way to more...