Command Jokes / Recent Jokes

Tech Support
Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with more...

Dear Tech Support: I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7. 0 to Wife 1. 0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1. 0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Hang out with the Guys Night 10. 3, Multiple Sports Nights 2. 5 and Saturday Football 5. 0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1. 0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7. 0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!! Thanks, Joe--------------------------Dear Joe: This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary more...

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked more...

Things You Don't Want Your Sysadmin To Say1. Uh-oh...2. Oh S***! 3. What the heck?!? 4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.6. Wow! Look at this...7. Hey! The Suns don't do this.8. Terminated?!? 9. What software license?!? 10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...11. Wow...that seemed fast...12. I got a better job at Lockheed...13. Management says...14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy? 16. It didn't do that a minute ago...17. Where's the GUI on this thing? 18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...19. Where's the DIR command? 20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press? 23. Do you smell something? 24. What's that grinding sound? 25. I have never seen it do THAT before...26. I don't think it should be doing that...27. I remember the last time I saw it more...

If you type these in from the csh (c shell): in Unix you really do get
these responses.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% got a light?
No match.
% sleep with me
bad character
% man: Why did you get a divorce?
man: Too many arguments.
% make 'heads or tails of all this'
Make: Don't know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.
% make sense
Make: Don't know how to make sense. Stop.
% make mistake
Make: Don't know how to make mistake. Stop.
% make bottle.open
Make: Don't know how to make bottle.open. Stop.
% (-
(-: Command not found.
% make light
Make: Don't know how to make light. Stop.
% date me
You are not superuser: date not set Thu Aug 25 15:52:30 PDT 1988
% man rear
No manual entry for rear.
% If I had a ) for every dollar Clinton spent, what would I have?
Too many )'s.
% * How would you describe Clinton
*: Ambiguous.
% more...

So you think you're computer-illiterate?
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labelled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the more...

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students onenight. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speakersystem. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating, "the soundof my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..." Prettysoon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, eachone hanging on his every word.Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stagefor a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone" And thenhe repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word is a command." Ashe turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his butt, and yelled "SHIT!"