Commandments Jokes / Recent Jokes

Congressman Lynn Westmoreland (R-GA), co-sponsor of a bill calling for displaying the Ten Commandments in the Capitol, could only name three of them in an interview--no wonder he needs them on display! Maybe we could have some church/state separation if this guy stayed awake in Sunday school.

The Ten Commandments Of EmploymentIf it rings, put it on hold. If it clunks, call the repairman. If it whistles, ignore it. If its a friend, stop work and chat. If its the boss, look busy. If it talks, take notes. If its handwritten, type it. if its typed, copy it. If its copied, file it. If its Friday, forget it!

Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes. Thou shalt remember thy name and password. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day. Honor thy SysOp. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor`s password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning. Thou shalt use the English language properly. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible. Thou shalt delete thine olden messages. Thou shalt help other users. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications. Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk. more...

The Ten Commandments for C Programmers
1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine.

2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end.

3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it.

4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program.

5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest "foo`` someone someday shall type "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious``.

6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, more...

The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme
Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post
Thou Shalt Not Steal,
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
and Thou Shall Not Lie
in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile
work environment.

E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line. Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it. Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message. Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar. Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS. Thou shalt not forward any chain letter. Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work. Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose. When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn. And, the Golden Rule of email: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."