Communications Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. GET OUT YOUR' PORTABLE HAND-HELD COMMUNICATIONS INSCRIBERS'WASHINGTON - When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a' 'portable hand-held communications inscriber,'' says a Republican senator.

Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol

By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd.

REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media.

The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U. S. Patent and Trademark Office.

"It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft`s Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems` trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named more...

In this age of instant and near-instant communications, abbreviations have become commonplace, especially amongst the younger generations. For older internet users, here's a handy guide to translating:
AbbreviationPreviously long phrase
whrthfckuben?
"Goodness, it's been a long time since we've chatted, hasn't it?"
utypliksht
"Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Wood's speed-typing course?"
ugoturhdupyrass?
"Are you sure about that?"
sowenugtoutofjail?
"So, what have you been up to lately, Bugs?"
tkurabbrevsandshuvem
"Wouldn't you rather just type the whole phrase out?"

From "Network News", 30 May 2001:

Police communications chiefs in Kent (UK) have stopped undercover coppers from using theme tunes from cop shows as mobile phone rings.

As part of Kent Constabulary's communications policy, undercover officers are forbidden from using tunes from The Bill, The Professionals, The Sweeney and Crimewatch on their mobiles. The top cops fear that criminals will nobble an undercover copper whose phone suddenly rings with a tune from Z-Cars.

British policing at its finest. ..

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.GET OUT YOUR 'PORTABLE HAND-HELD COMMUNICATIONS INSCRIBERS'WASHINGTON - When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a ''portable hand-held communications inscriber,'' says a Republican senator.

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been more...

(Forwarding this gem from one of my discussion groups. Nearly laughed my Byrd off. The poster could neither confirm nor deny authorship.)
Internet Response to the Communications Decency Act
With the passing of the Communications Decency Act, we urge all people wishing to use electronic communications, but forced to limit their language and thus risk confusion, to consider using the following list of substitute words, which we feel the Senators involved will be reluctant to ban or censor:
Byrd:Noun:The posterior or hinder parts, specifically the anus.
Coats:Noun:Excrement, or as a verb to excrete.
Exon:Verb:To copulate with, the act of copulation.
Gorton:Noun:The female genitals, or specifically the vagina.
Gramm:Verb:To achieve orgasm. Also colloquially used as a noun.
Heflin:Noun:The female secondary sexual characteristics.
Helms:Noun:The male phallus.
An example of this usage might be as follows:
"'Exon me !', she cried, as more...