Community Jokes / Recent Jokes

Moisha and Esther Rabinowitz move into a highly Orthodox community in Monsey, and want to join a local shul. They seem appropriate for the community, and the Rabbi comes to their house to make certain that everything in the house
meets requirements.
All of the mezuzahs are in place and have been certified. Good.
The kitchen has two stoves, two refrigerators, two dishwashers, two prep areas, two sinks, but has five sets of dishes and five sets of flatware.
The Rabbi says, "Four I can understand, Pesach meat and dairy, Non-Pesach meat and dairy. So, what do you need the fifth set for?"
Esher answers, "For Traif."

The Rabbi rose with a red face and said, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community."
No one moved.
The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and! in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop, rose in the third pew. Her head was
bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets..."
...and then they more...

The Rabbi rose with a red face and said, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community."
No one moved.
The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and! in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop, rose in the third pew. Her head was
bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The Rabbi rose with a red face..."Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community."
No one moved.
The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan... I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The Rabbi rose with a red face..."Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community."No one moved.The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!"Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke."Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan... I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.
They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:
You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic!
And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying:
You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are fish!

Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer...
Translation: Rudolph was a four-hooved ungulate,
Original: Had a very shiny nose...
Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage of a maroon lustre.
Original: And if you ever saw him...
Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present themselves that he ever came into your view,
Original: You would even say it glows...
Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its illuminary qualities.
Original: All of the other reindeer...
Translation: The multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community,
Original: Used to laugh and call him names...
Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms - the objective of which was to lower his self-esteem and make him miserable.
Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games...
Translation: They also excluded him from participation in more...