Completely Jokes / Recent Jokes

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The
lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.""How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have more...

The seven stages of Usenet posting:
1. Innocence
HI. I AM NEW HERE. WHY DO THEY CALL THIS TALK.BIZARRE? I THINK THAT
THIS NEWSGROUP (OOPS, NEWSFROUP - HEE, HEE) STUFF IS REAL NEAT. :-)
[dead chicken joke deleted]
This sort of joke DOES NOT BELONG HERE! Can't you read the rules? Gene
Spafford _clearly_ states in the List of Newsgroups:
rec.humor.dead.babes Dead Baby joke swapping
Simple enough for you? It's not enough that the creature be dead, it
*must* be a baby - capeesh?
This person is clearly scum - they're even hiding behind a pseudonym.
I mean, what kind of a name is FOO, anyway? I am writing to the
sysadmin at BAR.BITNET requesting that this person's net access be
revoked immediately. If said sysadmin does not comply, they are
obviously in on it - I will urge that their feeds cut them off
post-haste, so that they cannot spread this kind of $#! T over the net.
4. Disgust
In message (102938363617@Wumpus), more...

A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely.
"God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.
The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast.
"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain," says the priest.
"I am sorry, Father," replies the doctor.
The doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again.
"God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.
The sky darkens even more and a low rumble resounds throughout the land.
"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain," says the priest.
"I am sorry, Father," replies the doctor.
Once again, the doctor tries to take a swing at the ball and completely misses. He throws his club to the ground and yells, "God dammit, I missed."
The heavens roared and the storm erupted, sending a lightning bolt down and straight into the priest, which struck him dead.
Then a more...

From actual resumes as reported by Fortune Magazine:

"I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms"

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"Let's meet, so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience."

"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not more...

Astrology tells us about people and their future by their time, date and location of birth. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of a person's birth. Demographics tell us what others like, dislike, whom they voted for, as well as what they buy and what they watch on television. The Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by an individual's job title, people can pretty much learn about an employee's hidden personality traits.
MARKETING:
You are ambitious, yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES:
Laziest of all the Corporate Signs, often referred to as a "marketer without a degree". You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid all contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big more...

A Networkologist's Christmas
"'Tis the night before Christmas," I thought with a frown. I was stuck at the office. The network was down. The routers were hung in the closet. All crashed. Their tables had holes in their data. All trashed.
Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun, Had erased DLLs Windows needed to run On 84 desktops way down in accounting. I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting.
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I saw that a server had something the matter. There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive. "No problem," I thought. "I'm set up with RAID
5."
But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable Had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable! "No problem," I thought. "I've tape backup to thank." And then I discovered my backups were blank.
The UPS burped, and its lights all went out. I started to scream! I started to shout! But nobody more...

A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely."God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast."Don't use the Lord God's name in vain," says the priest."I am sorry, Father," replies the doctor.The doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again."God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.The sky darkens even more and a low rumble resounds throughout the land."Don't use the Lord God's name in vain," says the priest."I am sorry, Father," replies the doctor.Once again, the doctor tries to take a swing at the ball and completely misses. He throws his club to the ground and yells, "God dammit, I missed."The heavens roared and the storm erupted, sending a lightning bolt down and straight into the priest, which struck him dead.Then a booming voice arose from the sky and said, "Dammit, I more...