Computer Support Staff Jokes / Recent Jokes

The truth is that if you take a little time to learn a few basic principles and some of the technical lingo, buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. So let's get started!

Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?

HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?

HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has' 4X' on it.

At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive. Imagine if they did...

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!

HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?

Customer: What's an ignition?

HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.

Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!

HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?

Customer: Huh? How do I know?

HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from' E' to' F'. Where is the needle pointing?

Customer: It's pointing to' more...

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

1) Don't buy a computer.
2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

USER-FRIENDLY
C: DUR
Command not found. Try retyping

USER-HELPFUL
C: DUR
I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR?

USER-UNFRIENDLY
C: DUR
C: DUR
C: DUR
C: DUR

USER-HOSTILE
C: DUR
Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what I'll do.

USER-INDIFFERENT
C: DUR
DUR?

USER-PATRONIZING
C: DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time, use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.

USER-OBSEQUIOUS
C: DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.

USER-SARCASTIC
C: DUR
Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.

USER-INSULTING
C: DUR
F*ck off
C: DIR
F*ck off

USER-SMUG
C: DUR
No
C: DOR
Nope
C: more...