Manual Jokes

Become a Redneck in 25 Easy Steps: A Manual for Yuppies
Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?
Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?
Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?
Well, now you can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!
Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!
Now follow the 25 easy guidelines in our manual!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.
1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching more...

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife
1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing
that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night
10.3, Football 5.0, Golf 7.5, Barhopping 6.9 &
Racing 3.6 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run
my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going
back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities more...

These are stories from help desks around the country.

At 3: 37 a. m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.

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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write' click' and I more...

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-head consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.
YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?
WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the more...

How many Support staff does it take to change a light bulb?

"Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again."

"It's in the manual. Didn't you read the manual?"

"The bulb was fine; you just forgot to turn the switch on."

"The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket."

"Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem?"

"Our engineers are busy at the moment... We have assigned query number 987632 to your question. Please refer to it in all future correspondence."