Condition Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Santa,
We're worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.
The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have "a clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry."
Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion... all things you may encounter this time of year.
The one bright note in Dr. Litt's message is that more...

Hilton Double Booked

Doctors currently treating Paris Hilton for a mystery illness have discovered a new condition that occurs when a women sleeps with more men then their genitals can handle. Doctors have named this condition, "Parisitus," a situation where all muscles begin to collapse and gradually make the vagina resemble the mask from the movie "Scream."

There was this beautiful secretary of the president of a large bank who goes on a sight-seeing tour with an important client, a very rich African king.
From out of the blue, the client asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her - don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions:
First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for a while, then nods his head and says, "No Problem! I have! I have!"
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York and as a vacation home, I want a chateau in the middle of the best wine county in more...

Obviously on the verge of hysteria, the distraught woman entered the psychiatrist's office and, between sobs, managed to explain that her husband was suffering under the delusion that he was a refrigerator. "You can see what this is doing to me," the poor woman cried. "It's been weeks since I had a good night's sleep."
"I understand, my dear," the doctor reassured her. "But if you don't stop staying awake nights worrying about your husband's condition, you'll make yourself sick as well."
"It's not his condition that keeps me up," she wailed. "It's that damn little light that goes on every time he sleeps with his mouth open!"

A retiring Phys Chem professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and with a well-kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet: "Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with proof."
He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One A was awarded. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look more...

I have to get out of here," screamed Father Klaus from the confines of his tiny cell. "Please! Please! I can't stand it in here. I can't breathe. Please, won't somebody help me before the walls close in?" His pleading trailed off into the stale air of the monastery's damp stone halls.

Outside the bolted door, Fathers Pietro and Alberto shook their heads in pity. Father Klaus's condition had gradually worsened to the point where it became necessary to lock him away every time he had an attack. They were reluctant at first but when he threatened to jump from the belfry a few months ago, the monks were left with no choice.

Besides, none of them had any medical training so they would be unable to help their unfortunate comrade. Not that such training would have done any good. Father Klaus's condition was more psychological than physical and thus, required a completely different method of treatment. None of them felt qualified to delve into the deepest more...

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What is the condition?"
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, reached into her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said...
"Clean my house."