Conducting Jokes / Recent Jokes
The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."
After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small more...
A young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behavior. She came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport. After three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate. Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on human sexuality... I was wondering if you could answer a few questions..." The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him. After three questions, she asks him "... and when was the last time you had sex?". Straight away the Captain replies "1959". The girl was shocked. She looks at the captain and asks "1959 isnt that a long time ago?". "Oh" the pilot replies "I guess so... but its only 2015 now..."
The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said, "I give ten dollars." Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly. "I give a thousand dollars!" The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!"
Field TestMy father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father`s hand.? Don`t congratulate me, sir,? my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver.? It was all the sergeant`s doing.?The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.? Congratulations,? he said.? The major`s wife just had a baby girl.?
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on sweety, let's go home."