Confessions Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. "We've got a tee time at 3: 00 and need a fourth... can you make it?" Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasn't many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church." Hey, Joe... can you help me out??" He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him." Oh, no I wouldn't have any idea what to do!!"." Joe, don't worry... I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card... find the sin... and follow it over to the appropriate penance... it's that simple... here comes the first penetant... try it!!"So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penetant comes in and kneels before the screen..."Bless me Father... I have sinned... I have had more...

The confessions
Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admit something they have never admitted to anyone.
Okay," says Peter, "I`ve never told anybody I`m a gay!"
John confesses, "I`m having an affair with my boss`s wife."
Moishe, begins, "I don`t know how to tell you...."
"Don`t be shy," said Peter and John.
Well," says Moishe, "I can`t keep secrets."

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like,' I see,'' yes,'' go on,'' I understand,' and' how did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying,' Whoa... What happened next?'"

A priest getting ready to hear confessions duddenly realized that he desparately had to go to the bathroom. He looked outside the confessional and saw the janitor walking by.
He pulled him aside and said: "Look, I really gotta go to the bathroom, but people are lining up for confession. Could you take over for a few minutes?" The janitor began to protest, but the priest said: "Look, its easy. I have the sins and give them penance. No one will know it's you in there" The janitor agreed and took his place in the confessional.
The first parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have commited adultery." The janitor looked on the chart and found "Adultery - 20 Hail Mary". He mumbled some forgiveness sounding words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys. The parishioner thanked him and left. The janitor breathed a sign of relief.
The second parishioner entered the confessional and began more...

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me?
I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 hail Mary's and I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex." Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an alter boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"
In reply the alter boy more...