Congregation Jokes / Recent Jokes
Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside. One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing,' I Shall Not Be Moved.' The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song,' Jesus Paid It All.' The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was' I Love To Tell The Story.' The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang' Oh, Why Not Tonight.' When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang,' What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in thecollection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him thatperhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into givingmore."And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked."It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so thatthe auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotonevoice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in aslow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in thecollection plate."So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo andbehold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacherdid not want to take advantage of this technique each and everySunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then triedhis mass hypnosis again.Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, thechain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loudthud and springs and parts flew more...
A local preacher was unhappy with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he should try hypnotizing the congregation into giving more.
"How would I go about doing something like that?" the preacher asked.
"It's quite simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the church is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So, the following Sunday, the reverend did as suggested and, lo and behold, the collection plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday, so he waited for a couple of weeks and tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud. more...
In a small town in India, a person decided to open up his Bar business, which was right opposite to the Temple. The Temple & its congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground.
The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:
"I more...
The minister was presenting his Sunday morning service to the congregation. He stated that everything that mankind had experienced or would ever experience was discussed or mentioned in the Bible.
After the sermon, he was shaking hands with the congregation as they filed out of the church. A woman came up to the minister and said, "Preacher, I heard your message today and I really believe that what you said is true. However in my readings of the Scripture, I have never seen any mention of PMS."
The minister scratched his head.... thought for a moment and said, "Well sister just off the top of my head I cannot think of a passage but I'm sure that it exists. See me after next week's service and I will give you an answer."
The next Sunday as the preacher was again shaking the hands of the leaving congregation the woman again came up to him and asked if he had in fact gotten her an answer.
The preacher said, "Yes my more...
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1, 000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"
A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"